Erika Bailey
There’s nothing like falling flat on your face in front of two dozen strangers, is there? That’s what it felt like – at first – during my first-ever Exploring Difference Workshop (EDW). Day one’s dreaded (by me) Large Group. A lot of effort went into my first-of-many graceless moments there.
For the workshop, my intention was if and how I might joyfully explore difference so I might enact social justice in a better way (I can hear the eye-rolls already). I set self-defined goals to practice unfamiliar behaviours. Day one’s goal: contribute in the large group despite having zero experiences in group relations. What I share here is how I learned from intention to action through and beyond the EDW, including this one (of many) instances in the workshop where I floundered and failed. Spectacularly.
Having connected with friends about their EDW experiences, and their recommendations, I booked my vacation time, paid the entry fee, and read all the papers. I journaled before, during and after, reflecting on my experiences. Throughout, I spent a lot of time staring at – and trying to figure out how to engage with – a grid of faces on the laptop.
As promised, here’s my fall-on-face story. Large Group had started, opened by one of the consultants with six precise, dry words. A couple members had offered some comments. Then a consultant asked, “I wonder if the group is trying to define its authenticity?” or words to that effect.
As with most online experiences, there’s a lag. But online Group Relations – by far – creates the most thick silences. I leaned in, my eyes pinballed from square to square, wondering if and who might be wishing to speak. I chose to take this up, thinking: I facilitate. I’m studying leadership. I’m going to give this ‘exploring difference’ thing a go.
“I wonder how we might figure that out as a group? Who are we authentically?” I asked.
Not missing a beat, a fellow member responded with, “that’s not helpful at all.”
Now, by this point, you may be wondering when I fall on my face. Well, that was it. It was probably nothing to anyone else, really; a passing moment. BUT… inside I experienced a total upheaval of thoughts and feelings:
- The punch-in-gut followed immediately by heat.
- I muttered, “Ok, but I am new and don’t know how to do this.”
- Then my judgy thoughts:
- Who were they to say that?
- What the hell was I thinking?
- But what am I supposed to do if not that?
- What does it mean for me to be authentic?
- Now I feel like shit; I don’t want to speak again.
- Hang on – that was the worst of it. Maybe I can speak again.
- But how do you do this ‘exploring difference’ thing, then, if not by asking questions?
While my thoughts were flying around, members carried on. More group discussion arose. I offered additional thoughts – some of which I see were racist – and yet, the group continued talking.
This was the most remarkable thing to me: a group will stay with a member even if their contributions do not land, like mine. We were there to figure this out together. Like a commitment to gracelessness and learning and trying again.
Since my EDW experiences I have observed some ripple effects:
- What I need most to learn will be reflected in others who piss me off the most
- It was ok to try and learn
- Balancing sharing the air versus self-silencing – no one will applaud you for doing well, and it’s necessary to practice
- When I offer my differences, I make myself vulnerable, thus more human
- When I stop the inner chatter and just pay close attention to what is before me, in this moment – both internally and externally – a more meaningful connection can be made.
I am confident that at my next EDW I will fall-on-my-face again. What I learned is that approaching it as experimentation will help me stand back up again and try better.